AM I OK?

This post is being written live.

Meaning, I didn’t pre-write this in Google Docs, then edit it, paste it, find some pretty pictures and premeditate everything. This is not curated. Tonight I feel like writing more of a journal entry. Because I have always enjoyed writing about how I feel, not just where I go and what I see.

Writing makes me feel good and I’ve realised that it helps me process my thoughts. And one day, maybe just one day, something I say might touch someone in a way they need and perhaps it can help someone someday. Then my writing would actually have a point, a purpose.

So….here’s the thing, Tomorrow it will be two years since the accident, then the following day, the day my mother passed away. My god, it hurts to write those words. I miss her and the relationship we could have now, knowing everything that I know now.

For my friends that want to know how my recovery is going; first of all, gee thanks for asking! 🙂 Secondly, I’m really well mentally, but physically I’ve had a recent hiccup with my leg. Nothing too serious, bursitis, which is an inflammation of the hip joint. However the pain is a bitch, so it’s been leaving me less physically able lately, which has sent me into a rather resentful mental state. I have been feeling resentful of my body, particularly my leg. I could tell my spirit was not happy, so I booked a yoga session with my beautiful friend, Soof today. She asked me what I was looking to focus on and immediately I knew that it was my spirit that needed work, not the leg. I have been giving my leg so much work, so much pressure, so many expectations, and so little praise. No wonder it stopped working well!  Thank you @Soof for being the energy I needed to realise this today.

So, anniversaries are a time when by nature we start looking back at old memories and making comparisons with now. It’s not always healthy, but we do it. So, just for fun, let’s play the comparison game! How was I two years ago today and how am I now?

Alicia of September 2019: Living in Mexico with her boyfriend and his family. Working in marketing and not that sure she wanted to be there.

Alicia of September 2021: Stuck in Australia but not due to borders. Not that unhappy about it. Working as a receptionist with no idea where she’s going after this, getting the lowest pay she’s had in a decade but feeling that she’s with the right company after a previous false start. Totally in love with the Gold Coast and wants to spend as much time with her family as possible. She is surprised and proud at how her siblings have matured and often feels she is the little sister. She does everything possible to expand her spiritual knowledge and connections and values this above all else. Health is an almost unhealthy obsession. She is so proud of her body at the same time as feeling resentful. She can see lines appearing on her face and it has triggered anxiety about her future. She feels poor, vulnerable and alone at times. Well, a lot.

(Wow, here’s some advice: if you ever struggle describing how you feel, you should really try doing it in the third person! You can get out a lot of feelings that seem scary when saying ‘I’.)

A lot of people comment on how strong I am. One or two have asked me what I did to stay so strong and have the attitude I have now. Let me tell you now how I think I got through. Firstly, I explored a lot of things that I knew would be good for my soul. I listened to a lot of music at loud volumes. I often sang. I learnt Portuguese and made lots of virtual friends. I discovered meditation. I bought a lot of clothes and aesthetic shit to make myself feel pretty. I got possibly annoyingly insistent on our family spending more time together. I practised gratitude for everything that I am fortunate enough to experience because the universe has allowed me to continue on in this realm.

Like anyone, I have my ups and downs. Due to my physical state, I guess I’m in a downish period. I’m inclined to believe it’s because, after two years, the excitement and drama has finally settled down and now I’m in a repetitive routine with a  stable 9-5 job and my gypsy spirit doesn’t want to settle down.  I’m also absorbing some of the sadness and negativity from cities in lockdown here.

The good thing is that I know things that I can do to get myself through it. There are some people who don’t know what to do and don’t want to ask for help, either.

So if you know of someone who isn’t quite themself lately, you need to ask them, “Are you ok?”

R U OK?

Tomorrow it is R U OK? Day. Super ironic. huh? But I’ve also been led to believe this was not a coincidence. I’m making it a priority to prioritise mental health on this day, September 9.

If there is anything you can glean out of this post, I want you to do something.

Today, please text, call or pay a quick visit to someone and ask them how they’re doing. Someone who you think might be a little down or not quite themselves. 

Don’t try to solve their problems. Don’t bark advice at them. You are there to let them know someone cares about their existence and is there to listen. You are being a human to another human.

Be prepared for them to not answer you truthfully or tell you to mind your own business. if they don’t want to talk, don’t try to pull it out of them. Accept their response and let them know you’re here to talk. This way it opens up a channel for future communication so you’ve still achieved something.

Having the guts to ask a simple question could change or even save a life.

Want to know more? www.ruok.org.au

I am ok.

R U?